Walow Wah La La La - by Robert

I was watching a stand-up comedian who made a comment about Canadians. He mentioned how we are always apologetic. It seems we say “sorry” all the time.whether we mean it or not. I thought it was funny at the time, but it’s true. How many times someone has bumped into you and you automatically said “Sorry”.

I’ve been thinking about becoming American. I have a great imagination, but I would like to run through some of my ideas and helpful hints. But first Mr. President elect, I would like to apologize for not showing up at your inauguration, on January the 20th. I do have good reasons for not being there. First, I wasn’t invited. Second, I have no passport, so I can’t even show up uninvited. Lastly, it happens to be the date that the love of my life and I shacked up in 1989. For you conservatives out there, we did a civil ceremony on the same date in 2014. So Mr. President elect “Sorry!”

Now back to the subject. There are a lot of pros and cons to becoming American. I’m going to list some. I’m sure I will come up with a lot more later.

The offer to appoint either Wayne or Justin as governor of the new state of Canada. Really nice choices. But I would assume it would be just interim while we have a new election, say in two years time. My nominee would be Mr. Ford. In fact I would even nominate him for President in four years time. “Sorry.”

I really like the idea of lower taxes. But that would mean quite a lot of lost revenue for the federal government, not to mention no tariffs on our export to the States. Of course paper money would now all be green in colour (and we would be dropping the U in colour). I really enjoy our colourful money, it’s much easier to tell the difference from one denomination to the other. Hey, maybe we could work out a deal and have all American currency changed to our colourful ones.   Food for thought. It would also be nice if the exchange of money were at par with the American dollar.   Now that would be a plus.  Might I also add; no need for a passport to visit Disney World or to visit my in-laws in Florida.

Let me go on to more important things like border control for instance. There would be no need for border control. Let's be honest, they are not that effective in the first place. Then again, a lot of people would lose their jobs. I’ve given this a lot of thought. Here is a suggestion: transfer them all to the department of transportation. After all they are used to checking vehicles and, with a little bit of training they could do all the safety checks. See the way I think? Of course this would cut down on gun trafficking from the States into Canada. Also terrorists would no longer come from Canada the country but rather from the state of Canada. Meaning Americans. “Sorry!”

Speaking of guns, I kind of like the NRA mind set on this subject.  Let me give you

an idea on how this would affect my dress code. I’ve always enjoyed what was known as spaghetti westerns. It would be a little different, because I wouldn’t want to insult the Texans. Let me start with the hat. I’ve always had a preference for the ten gallon hat. I tried one on in Calgary many years ago. I must admit, when I saw myself in the mirror, a vision of Spearmint gum came to mind. “Go figure!” Then again, a nice large pom pom would dress it up a bit. As for a outer wear top, I really like a serape, a nice woolen one with printed beavers all over. Since we are known to wear what is called a denim tuxedo, a nice tight pair of Levis for pants. As for shoes, nothing looks better than seal skin cowboy boots. We don’t seem to have either alligators or rattlers up here. Beside seal skin is much more Canadian. I would keep the spurs, I really enjoy the sound they make as you go along. Now that you have kind of a vision of what I would look like, imagine this. A tall skinny old fart walking slowly down the street, tan wrinkled face, wearing thin rimmed glasses (my eyesight isn’t, or should I say ain’t as it used to be)., spurs jingling with each slow step.The reason I’m walking slow, well age does have something to do with but also the accouterments I would be wearing. I’m not stupid enough not to wear a bulletproof vest under my beaver printed serape, when I go for a walk. Hey if I have the right to arm myself so has everyone else, right?  I would also carry my gun permit in my jean pockets everywhere I went. The reason for the gun permit you ask.  Again I must remind you of my love for westerns. You see, there would be the old style 45 in a holster strapped to my leg, in full view. Lets face it, if you’re going to carry a gun, make it visible.   After what is the sense of hiding a gun under a jacket or in my case under the serape. Besides, it would take me too long to draw it that way. It would take a little practice, but I’m sure I could draw the gun almost as fast as I did when I was much younger with my toy gun.  Of course the gun would be old style, because in the old movies, the guns never seemed to run out of bullets.

I would also be wearing ear buds, connected to my cell phone, listening to the theme from 'The Good, The Bad and the Ugly' movie. You know, 'walow wah la la la'. Yes, I can just see myself walking in the mall, facing a bunch of kids (who should be at school, in the place) giving me the dumb look, you know the one I mean. Then watching their eyes widen with fear as I draw my trusty 45, spin around my index finger a few times and slapping back down in the holster. Hopefully I wouldn't miss the holster and drop it on the floor. Or worse still, the gun goes off accidentally. Then again I could always say “Sorry!”

Enough for now. Look, I'm not writing a book here.

Tata for now. I got more to say and, I promise I’ll write more in the near future, if God gives me the time.

Love Bibert.